Dental Dramas and Medieval Medicine

“Your jaw is in the way,” my dentist complained.

Unable to speak due to the wide variety of sharp implements in my mouth, I frowned in consternation, making a puzzled gurgling sound.

“Your jaw is in the way!” she repeated. “It keeps pushing the crown off and now I have to dry off the tooth in order to seat it properly.”

“Here, bite this stick and don’t move.”

Re-booters know never to argue with irate taxi drivers or with people who can inflict extreme pain with a flick of a dental tool. So, I bit onto the stick and willed myself not to panic.

“Hush now,” soothed the sympathetic Hungarian nurse after the dentist stormed out. “It’ll be ok,” she reassured me. “You don’t have to bite the stick that hard.”

Welcome to the world of Dental Dramas. Nine hours of unmitigated torture, bleeding gums, inconveniently placed jaws, and a captive audience.

Day 1 (less than 12 hours after I arrive from across the country)

The scheduled visit segues from a replacement of a 12 year old crown into a possible need for a second crown, seven composites, and relentless lobbying to visit a colleague endodontist “just to be sure,” I don’t need a root canal on a tooth that has given me no problems. Five hours and two full viewings of “Crazy Heart” using some bizarre headset glasses, I am informed that, “Oh, your insurance doesn’t cover any of this. That’ll be five grand, but you can pay us next week.”

Day 2 (the afternoon before I am scheduled to return to Washington)

This “routine” appointment stretched from two hours to four in order to deal with unexpected inconveniences such as my ill-placed jaw; I forewent watching any more films and sat there as my dentist complained about my anatomy. Then, they knock my glasses onto the floor and I am left nearly blind. So, it’s understandable that I am very much wanting to vamoose from the chair in which I have found myself, biting a stick. As the sun makes it’s way across the late afternoon sky, my dentist decides to share with me her plans for the remainder of the evening.

“I have a very successful patient,” she confides. “He’s an Industry heavyweight.” She pauses. “Well, he’s done a lot of work in Canada. He’s written a play about dentists, and I am the star!” After I make the expected approving gurgling sounds, she continues to share with me what a superb singer and dancer she is. This Industry heavyweight (well, in Canada)/patient suggested/pleaded with her to try out for his dentist play. When she sang I Dreamed a Dream for him, he exclaimed, “You must be my Leading Lady!”

Explaining that the dental office where they’d be rehearsing is, “the size of a sound stage,” my dentist then regaled me with other tales of theatrical glory which starred her and her husband in some dinner theater thing. Leaning in, she explained that when you are in a play, “you must remain in character.” In this murder mystery play, her husband had the role of, “the most handsome and successful star Hollywood has ever seen” and she was, “his beautiful, beautiful girlfriend.” God’s truth. No exaggeration. Verbatim. Apparently, the husband protested being made to serve in this capacity, but my dentist would have none of it. She decided he needed headshots and instructed him to mingle with the audience, handing out headshots and autographs to every pretty lady he saw. “The problem was, “ she grumbled, “my idea was too brilliant! All the women loved it and nobody paid attention to me!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: she’s making this up. No, my friends, I don’t have the imagination to make something like this up. This is the truth.

Five thousand dollars poorer than I started, I exited the dental office in order to run off to Lenscrafters with my broken specs. Let’s just say that I now love Lenscrafters! I love them! They got me in a new pair of cute frames in an hour, 90 day guarantee. If you need glasses, this is my shout out to them. Nonetheless, due to my poor mouth’s condition (blame that stupid, inconveniently placed jaw), I had to delay my return so I could bite on more sticks. But, there are worse things. A Re-booter remembers to be grateful and always counts her blessings.

None of this has anything to do with re-booting your life, but I had to share because, well, sometimes you just need a chuckle. If popular request so demands, I may pepper this blog with other posts from the front because this sort of thing happens to me all the time!

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2 Responses to “Dental Dramas and Medieval Medicine”

  1. Julie Crispin Says:

    Rhett, you need a new dentist! And she should have taken some of that 5 grand and bought you new glasses!

  2. helenga Says:

    I loved this story! Keep sending posts from the front because as painful as they are for you they are highly amusing! And I agree DivaDentist should have bought you some new specs!! (I have a good dentist btw if you need one 🙂 ).

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